As I stated in my first post, there wasn't a lot of information coming my way when I found out that Demi and I were expecting our first child. Women were offering advice to my wife all the time. Women would stop her in the grocery store, or out at dinner, and it didn't matter if we were in the middle of eating or not. It seemed that someone always had some words of advice for her. Especially the immediate family, they were always handing it out. It was a total renactment of the old fashioned knitting circle. Me? I would get the pity stare with the implied, "oh, I hope you are ready" or ,"wonder if he really knows what he is in for?"
Guys don't really want to talk to other guys about the process. Single guys or childless guys tend to get grossed out at the first mention. The same guys that used to pick their noses or eat paste, and then grew up to light farts or eat the pickled egg that was sitting in the neighborhood bar for 20 years. The tough guys that would go pump iron and eat protein shakes started to get flush at the first mention of child birth. I have since found that once you are a dad, all bets are off. It's not uncommon to finish up a business meeting at work with other dad's in the office and discuss the shades of green found in a recent diaper. Or whom got thrown up on at what hour in the morning. Something happens with that first diaper change that fools the brain into thinking that poo is an acceptable conversation topic for any audience.
However, there were one or two new dads that did choose to open up to me a bit and pass on some sage advice:
*"never was the phrase 'yes dear' more used or appropriate than when my wife was pregnant. If she wants ice cream at midnight, say 'yes dear', get your a** out of bed and go get some ice cream. In the long run, it is the lesser of the evils." Personally, I was fortunate. I made two Ben & Jerry's run, and it was only a stop on my way home from work. The first time however, I made a grievous mistake. I thought I was being a good guy and paying attention to my wife's laments of not wanting to gain too much weight and wanting to eat right. I came home the first trip with fat free frozen yogurt. The lasers that shot out of Demi's eyes bored a hole through my skull and out the other side. It was a pint of Chunky Monkey from then on. I just kind of left it at the doorway to the bedroom and backed away slowly.
*you will notice that it is not just cravings your wife has, but aversion to certain foods too. My wife could not stand the sight, smell, texture, or taste of chicken. You are talking about a couple that until then at chicken 3-4 times a week. Just let it go. I was fine with steak for a while.
*"take your wedding ring off in the delivery room or only give her your first two fingers to squeeze. Unless of course you want your fingers broken. Contractions will hit and she won't know what she's doing or how hard." I elected to take off my ring.
*No matter how much you pack beforehand, for the first trip, it is not enough. I came into the delivery room like Paris Hilton's bellhop. I had more luggage than the Howell's on Giligan's Island. I had two suitcases, a cooler with contents for a cocktail party, a boombox with CDs, Demi's focal point which was a stuffed Tigger doll, and a whole mish mash of miscellaneous items. You know how much of it we used? About 10% of it. Demi's PJ's and coming home clothes. I had a hand picked CD collection of tunes that Demi picked out. 10 mins into active labor and she yelled for me to shut if off, it was giving her a headache. Demi insisted on packing champagne and glasses. And while she was ready to host a cocktail party afterward, it never materialized. The focal point never made it out of the bag. The second time around we were lucky to have one bag and almost forgot the camera. The camera batteries ran out after 6 pictures.
*"The head will shape itself for the birth canal." What an understatement that was. Caz'z headed created such a cone I was expecting Rocky Road with it. I kept looking behind the curtains to make sure Dan Akroyd and Jane Curtain were not lurking behind it.
*Newborns will turn every color in the spectrum in the first 5 minutes after delivery. And I mean every shade. I expected a leprechaun with a box of Lucky Charms to be hovering over my kids yelling at me for trying to steal his gold.
I think those are the big ticket items. I will add as need be. I need to check my journals again.
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