Monday, April 23, 2007

Picking Friends

A wise sage once said: "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose."

A lot of the entries I wrote in my kids journals was about the importance of picking your friends carefully. It's always said that with family, you're stuck with them. You have no choice. With friends, it's all on you to pick good ones.

It's a hard thing for a parent, watching their children make friends. You watch them developing their social skills and at times it can make you cringe. You want them to be good and successful human beings, with positive relationships. You don't want them left out and you don't want them in elitist social cliques. It all starts with play dates, then onto the playground and the bus, and then extracurricular activities like sports or music. You have to keep things in perspective and keep doing reality checks. You will have thoughts in the back of your head, for example "this kid Caz is playing with is picking his nose. Caz, stay away from this kid, he'll be ostracized and you will be guilty by association." Of course then Caz pick his nose….You realize, they all pick their noses.

Side bar: Caz has been attending Duxbury High School football games since he was a 7 month old baby. When he was old enough to walk he developed a fascination with the cheerleaders. He would follow them around and stand behind them. I know what you are thinking…atta boy! At 3 I dragged him out of game for bedtime, kicking and screaming that he wanted to stay and watch the cheerleaders. Well, after I saw him pick his nose a couple of times. I told him the basics, that he needed to stop. It was gross. It was unsanitary ("you'll get germs and be sick"). It was impolite. Then I told him that cheerleaders don't like boys that pick their noses. He hasn't picked his nose since.

Now as a parent, I made a deal with myself that I wasn't going to pick my sons' friend for them. I really want my boys to have the freedom to develop their own relationships without parental interference. It goes hand in hand with them becoming their own person. I don't want them playing or watching sports because I play and watch sports. It's nice to have that bond, but if they want to be a Chess Master, that is fine too. But you can't but help cringe and hope when you see your child hanging out with the kid who is kicking their mother or father while throwing a tantrum because that child didn't get a lollipop or something else to which that child felt entitled.

Caz is a social kid. He's never had a problem making friends. He's had comments from teachers that he goes out of his way to make a new child to the school feel welcome, on more than one occasion. Demi and I were very proud when we heard that. So when a new family moved in down the street with a boy his age, Vinnie, we were happy that he asked Vinnie to sit with him on the bus. Demi and Vinnie's mom tried to arrange some play dates but it was the dead of winter, the holidays, etc and things didn't work out. So April comes, Zac has his birthday part and wants to invite Vinnie. Sure, no problem.

Have you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Putty gets the 8-ball jacket? Vinnie has an 8-ball jacket. Enough said, right?

We didn't find out until after the party but my sister in-law, Hilary, caught Vinnie's mom snooping around our house. It was a beautiful day and we had set the party up outside. She was half-way upstairs when Hilary ran into her and asked her what she was doing. Not even feigning getting lost, she replied that Demi said she could have a look around. Hilary promptly escorted her out. Nicely but firmly.

Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Vinny is the kid that will ask why after everything you say. And when you answer, follow up with another why. He tried to go into the house too, actually. He wanted to play with Caz inside leaving 15 other kids outside. I told him it was an outside party. 10 mins later he's trying to sneak back inside. Now I have to admit that I hear the kid speak, and I get instantly seize up.

So what did I do? I caved. Against my self-pledge, I intervened a bit. Caz had gotten into a little trouble on the bus for not staying in his seat. Caz has some short term memory issues, but he was 6, so that's typical. But I know that hyper active Vinny was the root cause for that. He bounces around all over the place. So I sat Caz down and we had a discussion about picking friends. Actually Caz wanted to have Vinny over, but I asked him why? I actually said, "I don't want to pick your friends for you. But you have to be smart about who you pick. Vinny is a little fresh right?"

"Yes, Dad."

"He gets into a little bit of trouble, right? He doesn't listen well."

"Yeah. He's a little annoying too."

"So why do you want to play with him?"

He thought about it and shrugged.

"I think it was very nice that you included him when he was new. But you don't have to feel responsible for him for the rest of your life. He can make his own friends."

That was really the last we heard of Vinny. Or maybe it was when Vinny's mom called for a play date and Demi "forgot" to call her back?? Tough to say.

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